Rain Cloud Hovers Over Me

The depression has hit me hard today. It wasn't that is was a bad day, I just feel like crap. I don't want to be here any more. I don't like where my life has come to. And no, I will not "just suck it up," anymore. I'm tired of sucking it up. I don't want to be around anyone. I am so tired of being there for everyone else in my life, and when I am falling apart no one is around to lean on. They are too busy to talk to me. Yeah, "call me later, I'm busy now" or I am sent to their voicemail when I call.

It is so hard being the cornerstone. Everyone comes to me and expects me to fix their problems or support them. Who do I have to lean on? Who is my cornerstone when life gets hard? Who can I trust to talk to, to confide in, to keep my secrets? No one in my life has ever kept anything about me to themselves. Somewhere, sometime it comes out. "Oh, sorry - that was a secret wasn't it?" Yeah, sure, I would say to this "get a new set of friends." But getting to an intimate place with a person takes time. Time I do not have as I need help now - or at least soon.

Arrgh! Crap! Son of a Bitch! Damn! Yeah - ooooo - I cussed - who knew I could be capable of that? Those who really know me would - in my weak moments - but who is that, as they do not take the time to get to know me.

How is it that people can just sit and chat - for hours? It is true that I am socially challenged. But talk about a subject I am passionate about and I could talk about it for quite a while. Too bad this entry (or blog at this point) couldn't be more passionate - it would a lot more interesting to read.

Merry Christmas 2008 - 2nd Anniversary of this blog

I hope you had a very merry Christmas this year. As for me , I have been very blessed by God and others to make it through this trying time. Although I am still unemployed (still over-qualified for all jobs that I have applied for), family, friends and acquaintances generously came through with gifts so bills are being paid and gifts were under the tree.

Thank you to all who have supported me.